She said he appeared more relaxed, and he thought so too. He felt a renewed sense of vigour sitting on that couch, and pretty much everything seemed right. It had been a peculiar time alright but he’d gotten through it; pretty good huh? So where the fuck had it gone? How could his poise and new found calm have been sucked out of him so stealthily? It had only been two days, but a lot can happen in two days.
There was something like resentment building. And you know who he resented? Hmmm, well pretty much everyone. For not being good enough, for not being honest enough, for not being straight forward enough, for not caring enough, for not being friendly enough, for not being….enough. Did he really think anyone could save him? His random pleas for love and help were heard but the needs never quite met. He asked himself if this is what loneliness felt like.
Of course his expectations were staggeringly high and would likely never be met, but this really was getting ridiculous. He knew if he didn’t switch off again and lower his expectations then he’d end up pulling that lovely dark blanket over his head again. He didn’t want to switch off from people. These were his friends, some of them much more than just friends. But it really was the only way he could avoid getting hurt. And the only way to stop him from hurting them.
A deep crease of anger furrowed his brow as he pondered those he felt had let him down. He knew he was feeling sorry for himself but he didn’t care. He knew he was already trapped in the spiral and had to go with the swirling sensation in his head. The blood rushes in his ears would start soon. Then he knew he’d be going under. The dog began barking outside his window.